The best summer of my life

There are just a few hours left of 2014, and I want to take a moment to reflect on who I was at the beginning of the year. I had no idea that a few months later I would embark on an adventure that would change my life forever, turning me into a completely different young woman.

Rewind to January. It was the 2nd semester of my junior year of high school, and to be honest, I was having the most crappy school year of my life. When I started the year back in August, I was excited to finally be 16 and be given more freedom. The summer of 2013 had given me confidence as I got a lead role in NY at French Woods Festival of the Performing Arts, made new friends, and even met an incredible boy at Camp Electric in Ohio who slowly became my friend and the object of my affection ("this one time at band camp..."), all while at a 500 mile distance away. I even had a car of my own. Much to my despair and to my father's disappointment, I ran my Hyundai Elantra up onto a brick wall in the front yard of my friend's house. All in an effort to drop him off and make it home by 9 o'clock. Curse the after-nine license provision. On top of that, friendships began to deteriorate and I got caught in a big web of regret. During this time of the year, my childhood dog was slowly declining in health. Palmer had been sick for a couple years, and in November 2013, he passed away. It was hard. It was like losing a sibling, someone you had known your whole life. Palmer was my childhood. The night he died was very emotional as I cried and cried over his hardly breathing body. The vet came over and Palmer passed. I said goodbye, shed my fair share of tears, and went to my room study for a psychology test the following morning. My mom came into my room and said, "Um honey, what on earth are you doing? Aren't you going to go to bed?" I just said, "Mom, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for" She looked at me like I was crazy. We had been through one hell of a night, and I had to rest for our school musical's audition the next day. I made it through the night and the audition, and a few months later, the musical became one of my best performances yet.

Okay, back to January. Junior year is the most important year of high school as colleges really look at your grades and extra curriculars. So as I kept up with my grades, I applied to 2 different summer theatre programs: Northwestern University High School Theatre program and Boston University Summer Theatre Institute (aka, BUSTI) I sent my applications in, and by March, I got the acceptances back. I was accepted into both, and after much thought, sent in my deposit to Boston in early April. I was going to do what I loved for 5 weeks straight and I was so excited! April and May slowly but surely passed and I was finally done with junior year. Then the big day came! June 29th I said goodbye to Raleigh and hopped on a plane to Boston!

I looked out the window, and there it was: Boston. My new home for the summer. I grabbed my insanely heavy and squeaky bag from baggage claim and was on my way in a taxi to Boston University, 700 Commonwealth Avenue. Once getting through housing, I went to my dorm on the 11th floor in Warren Towers. All the BUSTI girls were on floors 10 and 11 so we met and chatted until it was time for orientation. And boy, was I in for an insane 5 weeks. Every week day from 9 am to 10 pm. It was a bit overwhelming.

As the days started to pass by and slowly turned into weeks, I slowly started to love the busyness more and more. I craved it. I lived for the late nights on the Comm Lawn and the early morning conversations at breakfast before classes. Relationships with my fellow classmates started to form. And it was beautiful. My heart started to fill up with joy as I began to find myself within all of my adventures. I was happy, excited, and laughed more than I ever have. I hadn't experienced emotions like that, especially not all at once, in a long time.

BUSTI changed my life. What I thought was going to be just another fun adventure, turned out to be the the best summer of my life. And that summer answered a vey important question for me: is theatre what I want to do for the rest of my life? Yes. Undeniably, yes. However, I discovered that
doing theatre "for the rest of my life" doesn't mean I have to be a scrounging actor looking for jobs, or my only option is to be a professional actor with my BFA degree. I was encouraged by my BU teachers to pursue my other passions as well as theatre. While, yes, I want theatre to continue to be a part of me, I can succeed in my other areas of talent. Who knows, maybe one day I will be running my own Drama Therapy business, perform in coffee shops with my guitar, and be a part time actor on the side. The future is mine to grab. The chaos of life and death is everywhere, but against all odds, I am alive. I just have to be willing to walk down that open road of life, with my thumb out, in anticipation for the ride that awaits.

But what I learned the most in Boston, is to throw yourself into the chaos of life and be brave. I learned to embrace who I am. I learned to love again. And for that, I am beyond grateful. I miss it more than anything and I think about the stories we built together there every day. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what my best friends are up to or replay the adventures we had together in my head over and over so I don't forget them. Boston didn't just change my life...it saved my life. And there are no words to describe how thankful I am to be fully alive. Thank you BUSTI, for everything and more. It was more than just a summer. It was a new beginning.

So now, looking back on junior year to where I am now, I know I can move beyond the disappointments of life because they are not what defines me. What I thought was going to a regular summer, taught me things that I could only dream of. And I have grown so much because of it. Life is just a blip on the radar in comparison to what awaits on the other side of the grave. And I can't wait to discover what that will be like. I am reminded just by the beauty of an early morning sunrise that I am not here by mistake. So as I wait for what is to come, I want to embrace this blip on the radar whole-heartedly. Instead of just going through the motions, life is meant to be felt. It's meant to be lived! And I understand that now more than I ever have before. I understand what it means to live.

"I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place" -Michael Faudet

-Bellamy

Late night pondering about the past

Do you ever remember the past and think of how much you have grown (or haven't grown) from that experience? As I was writing my college essays, I was looking for something to write about what I've learned from my past experiences. I pulled out my collection of journals from the past four years and came across a variety of entries that made me laugh and think about how silly I once was and how quickly time goes by. I kept coming across lots of the same types of entires and found myself thinking about a time in my life that I believed I would never get over. In the moment it doesn't seem to be going by fast at all, but when you look back, oh boy, did it go by fast. So instead of wallowing in whatever the hardship may be, enjoy what is around you. Soon it will all be just a memory.

A journal entry from December 12, 2012:

"He was the kind of boy you would trust in an instant. Kind, loyal, hardworking, loves his sister, his family. The kind of boy that's quiet, but just loud enough to make you laugh. The kind of boy who shows up at your doorstep with flowers because he couldn't make it that night. Gives you credit for helping him on his Eagle Scout project. Whispers that you're the most beautiful girl at the dance, and purple is his favorite color because you were wearing it that night. Let's you know he misses you when he hears that song on the radio. Oh, and knows everything there is to know about Nirvana and The Black Keys.

The kind of boy you have to peel away layer by layer. You see, this boy fools you at first. He seems to be thoughtful and caring, but you always notice him with a different girl in the hallway. You start

to notice him getting defensive when things don't go his way. But yet, you start to fall for him. The way he holds you and catches your eye. The way he kisses you and holds your hand. He takes you to a different place when you're together. You meet his family and all you can think about is when you get to look into those big brown eyes again.

He has reeled you in. And he's got you. But this is where the story ends... he throws you back. Without a word or reason. Just says he's too "busy" and doesn't want to hurt you anymore. It should make sense, so you agree. But then you realize, you didn't take up that much of his time. You were good to him. Why would he run away so quickly? Why could he never be the same or be your friend? Why did he have to change?

In life, sometimes you don't know the reasons. You try to figure it out, but it leaves you exhausted and empty. So even if a boy like this breaks your heart, there is power in forgiveness. It doesn't mean

be a doormat, but to leave room for people to treat you better."

However, if you must wallow, I suggest to write it down like I do. So one day when you're writing your college essays, you'll laugh and smile and be grateful because your past has shaped you into the person you are today.

~Bellamy

February 5, 2013

When I think about how much my heart has had to endure, so many memories and feelings come back like they were just the other day as I see so clearly where God has touched me and made me strong. So, as I was exploring around on my iPad and trying to organize different websites I had bookmarked, I came across an anonymous website is called letterstocrushes.com, where anyone anywhere can anonymously write a letter or just something on their hurting heart to share with the other hurting hearts. People write from all over about anything and everything. Let me tell you, I spent many many late nights writing there. I wrote when I had no one to talk to. There was just a peace in knowing that someone, somewhere knew how I was feeling until I was ready to heal. Even though I loved writing anonymously, there is One person I never have to his from and I can lay all of my brokenness before Him. When I think it's so bad that I won't ever be loved, I think of the One who loved me so much, He died the most painful death just because He wants a relationship with me. He is so much more and so much bigger than any boyfriend or spouse. 

This leads me to the incredible thing I found as I was just perusing around at 11:30 on this Thursday night. I came across a letter I had saved from February of last year I titled,  "Let Go." I had totally forgotten about it until now, and how I would read it whenever I felt like a lonely teenager with no boyfriend (cliche, yes). I felt as of it was written just for me. As if The Lord led the writer to use the exact words that would connect to my heart. He wanted me to know I was loved and that He was with me, and still is. It's just a tangible reminder how no love on this earth can satisfy if our first love is not Christ himself, and always will be. This is what I read:

"This is not a sappy love letter, but a letter filled with love for all of you.

As I sit here and lender letter after letter, I can't help but wonder when will we all be so happy, that we will never have to write a letter about wishing we were 'in love' with someone or wishing the guy or girl, who we completely adore and drool over when they walk in the room, when will they finally realize you are the one they belong with. NOT the most popular girl in school, who is pretty,popular,and perfect, not the boy who is the star quarter-back of the football team, who has a new girlfriend ever day of the week. Not them, but YOU.

You all are beautiful and perfect in your own way, and if other people can't see that, then they must need glasses. I know it's hard having a crush on your best friend or maybe you like someone the same gender as you or maybe you just found out the one you love loves someone else. I know it's hard getting up in the morning and going to school, only to see the one person that makes your heart skip a beat is chatting with anyone but you.

But I promise you, there IS someone out there for you. There is someone out there for everyone. Maybe they won't be your highschool sweetheart or maybe they won't be someone you've known for your whole life but you know what? Once you find them, it will feel like they've been your best friend all this time and it will seem like you have known each other forever. Now, I know this is a HUGE promise and I'm sure you will: be, get, and stay upset if it does not happen {right away} and that's okay. What's not okay is thinking you are worthless. Thinking just because he or she does not like you in that way, I'm just going to give up, on love, on life, on everything.

Heart-aches, break- ups, finding out some big-not-so-good- news, feeling alone, cutting, feeling depressed, giving up, crying, screaming, yelling, death, anxiety, etc. We all go through at least one of those things or have been through one or more of those things. It's tough. It's hard. It's sad. 

Sometimes pain has a big part in all of those, maybe guilt, or maybe even depression. But you know what? It's okay. And you know what else? You are way too beautiful to put yourself through any of those things. We get these situations that we feel like we can't control and we think the only way to control them, is to take control. So we go to our options {good and bad}

1.) DO: Cry, Scream,Yell,. Let all your emotions out. Go for a run, listen to music, eat chocolate, dance, write, express yourself, build something, write something, hang out with your best friend{s}, make a list of 20 {or more things} that you LOVE about life, laugh, help others, continue to come to this site to recieve, hope,love,and relate to others', LIVE YOUR LIFE.
2.) DON'T: Let the Heart-aches control your day, don't worry about break- ups, don't freak out when finding out some big-not-so-good- news--just think of a solution, don't ever think you're the only one who feels alone, don't feel like cutting is the only way to make yourself better, don't feel depressed--when you know the time you spend sad, you can't get back, don't give up, don't think about death-- instead enjoy life in this very moment, don't let anxiety take over your life.

• Life throws problems at us to solve, they may be hard or easy, overall with every single problem, there IS a solution.
• Even the happiest people have bad days too.
• Never be afraid to talk about your problems, chances are someone has or is going through the same thing.
• Have Faith in yourself
• When life gets tough, pray. He listens, even when you think nobody else will.

Remember- you have a purpose in this huge, crazy, messed up, yet beautiful world." 

YOU ARE LOVED!! ~Bellamy