February 5, 2013

When I think about how much my heart has had to endure, so many memories and feelings come back like they were just the other day as I see so clearly where God has touched me and made me strong. So, as I was exploring around on my iPad and trying to organize different websites I had bookmarked, I came across an anonymous website is called letterstocrushes.com, where anyone anywhere can anonymously write a letter or just something on their hurting heart to share with the other hurting hearts. People write from all over about anything and everything. Let me tell you, I spent many many late nights writing there. I wrote when I had no one to talk to. There was just a peace in knowing that someone, somewhere knew how I was feeling until I was ready to heal. Even though I loved writing anonymously, there is One person I never have to his from and I can lay all of my brokenness before Him. When I think it's so bad that I won't ever be loved, I think of the One who loved me so much, He died the most painful death just because He wants a relationship with me. He is so much more and so much bigger than any boyfriend or spouse. 

This leads me to the incredible thing I found as I was just perusing around at 11:30 on this Thursday night. I came across a letter I had saved from February of last year I titled,  "Let Go." I had totally forgotten about it until now, and how I would read it whenever I felt like a lonely teenager with no boyfriend (cliche, yes). I felt as of it was written just for me. As if The Lord led the writer to use the exact words that would connect to my heart. He wanted me to know I was loved and that He was with me, and still is. It's just a tangible reminder how no love on this earth can satisfy if our first love is not Christ himself, and always will be. This is what I read:

"This is not a sappy love letter, but a letter filled with love for all of you.

As I sit here and lender letter after letter, I can't help but wonder when will we all be so happy, that we will never have to write a letter about wishing we were 'in love' with someone or wishing the guy or girl, who we completely adore and drool over when they walk in the room, when will they finally realize you are the one they belong with. NOT the most popular girl in school, who is pretty,popular,and perfect, not the boy who is the star quarter-back of the football team, who has a new girlfriend ever day of the week. Not them, but YOU.

You all are beautiful and perfect in your own way, and if other people can't see that, then they must need glasses. I know it's hard having a crush on your best friend or maybe you like someone the same gender as you or maybe you just found out the one you love loves someone else. I know it's hard getting up in the morning and going to school, only to see the one person that makes your heart skip a beat is chatting with anyone but you.

But I promise you, there IS someone out there for you. There is someone out there for everyone. Maybe they won't be your highschool sweetheart or maybe they won't be someone you've known for your whole life but you know what? Once you find them, it will feel like they've been your best friend all this time and it will seem like you have known each other forever. Now, I know this is a HUGE promise and I'm sure you will: be, get, and stay upset if it does not happen {right away} and that's okay. What's not okay is thinking you are worthless. Thinking just because he or she does not like you in that way, I'm just going to give up, on love, on life, on everything.

Heart-aches, break- ups, finding out some big-not-so-good- news, feeling alone, cutting, feeling depressed, giving up, crying, screaming, yelling, death, anxiety, etc. We all go through at least one of those things or have been through one or more of those things. It's tough. It's hard. It's sad. 

Sometimes pain has a big part in all of those, maybe guilt, or maybe even depression. But you know what? It's okay. And you know what else? You are way too beautiful to put yourself through any of those things. We get these situations that we feel like we can't control and we think the only way to control them, is to take control. So we go to our options {good and bad}

1.) DO: Cry, Scream,Yell,. Let all your emotions out. Go for a run, listen to music, eat chocolate, dance, write, express yourself, build something, write something, hang out with your best friend{s}, make a list of 20 {or more things} that you LOVE about life, laugh, help others, continue to come to this site to recieve, hope,love,and relate to others', LIVE YOUR LIFE.
2.) DON'T: Let the Heart-aches control your day, don't worry about break- ups, don't freak out when finding out some big-not-so-good- news--just think of a solution, don't ever think you're the only one who feels alone, don't feel like cutting is the only way to make yourself better, don't feel depressed--when you know the time you spend sad, you can't get back, don't give up, don't think about death-- instead enjoy life in this very moment, don't let anxiety take over your life.

• Life throws problems at us to solve, they may be hard or easy, overall with every single problem, there IS a solution.
• Even the happiest people have bad days too.
• Never be afraid to talk about your problems, chances are someone has or is going through the same thing.
• Have Faith in yourself
• When life gets tough, pray. He listens, even when you think nobody else will.

Remember- you have a purpose in this huge, crazy, messed up, yet beautiful world." 

YOU ARE LOVED!! ~Bellamy

The Waiting Game

To be honest, I have the patience of a two year old. I hate sitting or standing for long peiods of time, waiting in line, car rides and especially waiting for Switchfoot's new album to come out (I've been waiting since the summer and I still have to wait til January but whatever). But what I hate most of all, is waiting for something that I want right at this very moment. Like cake. Yeah, I want some of that right now... And let's be honest, everyone is like that (hopefully we all like cake but aside from that),we want the next thing and the next thing to make us fulfilled and satisfied. Our world has everything we could ever imagine at our fingertips, but society tells us we must have what we desire and have it right now.  Not only the material things but the need for love, popularity, to be desired etc. We all want good things to happen in our lives, but too often we want it now and not any later. When it doesn't happen that way, we ask "When, God, when? When will I get the desires of my heart?" We all need to learn to trust God instead of focusing on the "when" question. If you're missing joy and peace, you're not trusting God. If your mind feels worn out all the time, you're not trusting God. And that is exactly what I have been doing personally. It's like all I am doing is waiting anxiously for things to be fixed, so I try to speed things up and end up making matters worse. I'm a sinner, which makes me unsuitable to choose my own fate and the way I want God to organize my life. I find myself driving around a lot thinking about how things would have played out if they had gone my way, particularly: "It would've worked out. We could've been so happy together. God, why did you take him away from me?" Sounds pretty selfish when you actually write it down, doesn't it? Sadly,we all think this way, even if it isn't, in this case, a craved relationship and need to be loved. Questioning God and His reasons for protecting us, is telling Him we don't trust Him. We are telling the God of the universe who died so we could live again, that He isn't enough. Whenever I get down and question God's timing, I think back to all of the times He has protected me and had planned something way better than what I had in mind. Satan is constantly attacking us with doubts that make us question God's power. He tries to pull us away from the truth and convince us we should have 
what we want and God is unjust and not enough. But He is MORE than enough. 


I was scrolling through tumblr and came across a quote by Elisabeth Elliot: “God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” Isn't that worth waiting for? I'm not saying it is by any means easy. But God does promise us that it will be worth it. And trust me when I say that you are worth it. You deserve God's best. He redeemed us from the lies of Satan who tells us He is not worthy. Don't listen to the lies. Be patient in prayer and constantly ask God to help you stay patient. And if you're wondering why Gods best hasn't come yet, look at all of the blessings around you and thank Him for the present. It's His job to deal with the future. So, be patient. And being patient takes patience ;) You are worth it, God is worth it and ultimately, the waiting game will be worth it. 

-Bellamy

A Year Far Beyond Words

If you're anything like me, each year seems to go by slowly until we reach the month of December. I have found myself on this first day of December asking myself, "Wait, what?? I want my 2013 back!"  As the traditions begin and Christmas songs are officially okay to be played on the radio, I like to look back on the year and reflect on how I have grown and the person I am becoming. 2013 has been one of the best yet most challenging years, and every moment has been worth it.

At the beginning of the year, my friends and I attended our second year in Asheville, to a retreat called "Fastbreak." The year before (2012) was such a breakthrough between my group of friends, and we couldn't wait to go back. It was more than a breakthrough, though. Close friends recommitted to Christ, confessed their deepest sins, and our Bible study was formed. None of it was our plan, but part of the Greater Plan. I have some of the best friends today that I would have never imagined being so close to. This same group of girls and I have been meeting every Monday at my house ever since and we are lead by two incredible leaders, Liz and Rachel. Looking back on all that has formed just from a small retreat in Asheville, my whole life has been changed. And it goes by fast, too. Liz just got engaged and Rachel is getting married December 14th. It's crazy to think we've been through so much together in what seems like so little time.

Fastbreak 2013 was such a great way to start the year. I even got to share what I had been "rescued from" in a video that was shared. Our Bible study got closer, and answers I had been looking for finally came. And not to mention, Rend Collective Experiment were our worship leaders for the weekend! We had a blast. Soon after the weekend, school hit hard and stress increased. Having anxiety and ADD to deal with, I was having a tough time. I really hit rock bottom towards the end of March, feeling like I wasn't meeting certain standards and not being good enough. School eventually came to a close and I got to go to prom, celebrated my 16th birthday, and successfully got through the agony of exams. Summer had officially begun and I couldn't wait to finally get some sleep! Little did
I know that I had the most incredible summer ahead of me.


After many months of preparation and fundraising, our group of 12 students and teachers embarked on our trip to Ethiopia. In the months before, I had felt called to do a mission trip having never done one, but the mission trip to Gutemala had filled in February and I didn't know what to do. I prayed about it and asked if it was just my flesh that wanted the experience, or it was to serve The Lord. Soon after, the inaugural mission trip to Ethiopia was announced. So finally in June, we flew for 33 hours in total and finally arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. What I experienced for the next 12 days was something I never would have imagined. The closeness that our mission group formed and the hearts of those we served were beyond words. My prayer as I left was that I would come back and feel alive. And I came back even more than alive. It was a feeling I can't even describe. I miss it
every day.

Soon after, I left for Hancock, NY to French Woods Festival of the Performing Arts for a little over
three weeks. I had been the year before, and had such an incredible experience that improved my stage presence and widened my knowledge of the Fine Arts. This summer, after an agonizing full day audition, I got a lead in the drama "The Miracle Worker." Long story short, we pulled together a show in 12 days. I didn't have any time to memorize lines, get stagkng perfect, or really spend time on the show. I had to dive right in at the very first rehearsal and give it my everything. And I did. It was painful. Grueling, actually. I didn't have my parents to help me. I was left to do it myself. However, I was blessed to be placed in the best bunk I could ever ask for, having the year before been placed in the worst (don't even get me started, awful wouldn't even cover it) bunk ever. My best friends helped me memorize lines, helped me with analyzing the text, encouraged me, and came to the show. If it
weren't for them, I don't know if I could have do pen it. I remember telling myself when I saw the cast list the second day that if I got through it, I knew it wasn't me alone that did it; The Lord was with me more than ever. Even with all the stress I was under, I was at peace. But even if I had never made those friends and was at the place I was the year before, I still wasn't alone. I never have, and never will be. I still can't wrap my head around how He did it, but He did. I guess that's why He's
called God ;)

Returning from New York, the Broadway lights, the beauty of everything theatre, and the paths of Central Park, it was back to Raleigh... But only for three days. My next adventure was to Cedarville, Ohio to my second year of Camp Electric, a rock and roll worship camp originally created by TobyMac. I has made so many incredible friends and learned so much the year before, there was no doubt I'd miss it. I roomed with some if my best friends, caught up with people I hadn't seen in a year, and met the most amazing group of new friends. I keep up with them every day, and hopefully we will have a reunion soon. But aside from the comradery, I learned not only more about the guitar but
how to be a better worship leader. I learned that the moment worship becomes about the music instead of the reason we are worshipping, is the moment we are doing it wrong.


To wrap up the summer, I caught up with friends and enjoyed the last couple days that I had to relax before Junior year began. It was a year I was not looking forward to starting having heard all of the
college pressure and how hard it is. Now with exams right around the corner, I do have to say it has been challenging (there was also a car incident, but that's for another day) but I have learned more than I can describe. And it has gone by way faster than I could have imagined. There have been hardships however. My beloved dog, Palmer, passed in the beginning of November. God had been preparing me for a long time, so when it hit I could take it. I'm not saying by any means that it was easy, but Palmer really taught during his last days. He held on. I was going through auditions and major tests at the same time, and I think Palmer held on for me. It was his way of telling me to fight. I could see it in his eyes, "Bellamy. I did this for you. Now it's your turn to fight." So I did. More thn I
ever had. And you want to know the best thing? I got the lead in our school musical. If that's not a God thing, I don't know what is.

I had some of the most incredible experiences in 2013 where I discovered more about who I am. It was amazing. I have tried to document everything that had happened over the summer so I would never forget how God showed Himself. It was almost like He was shouting loud and clear, "I'm here! I'm right here! You're not alone!" None of us are. We go through times of doubt and frustration where it feels like it can only keep going down and getting darker. But that is the time where we are supposed to look up. The Savior of the universe is waiting for us to call on Him. We can feel lonely, but never truly be alone. That's what I've been learning this year. I can't wait to see what the last month of 2013 has to bring as we wait for 2014. He's by far not finished yet!

-Bellamy

Free to Struggle

You know you've been to way too many Tenth Avenue North concerts when you can't even remember how many you've been to. The contemporary Christian band has topped charts and grabbed hearts and I like to claim being a true fan from the beginning. The summer before my freshman year in high school, they were our worship leaders in Myrtle Beach and the following summers after that. But my friends and I couldn't get enough of Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen and the rest of the band, so whenever they came to Raleigh or anywhere nearby, we were on the skipper for tickets. Groupies, for sure.

We all have our favorite bands so this may seem a little irrelevant. However, every time I have seen the band and talked to them (yes, I'm not joking!), I can always see Christ in them and a love for serving Him. Not just because they are a Christian band, but because they are living for Him and witnessing with their talents. Mike Donehey, the lead singer of Tenth Ave, speaks at every concert. He makes it feel like it is a sermon with music almost instead of a concert. Yet out of all of the things he has said and the way he speaks, one thing has stuck with me, and that is what I want to talk about with you today: Live Loved. 

What does it mean to "live loved?" These two simple words we use much too often, really spoke to me, and let me tell you why. In my life, I have had an abundance of hardships and trials. We all have them. We fight. We give up. We rebel. We struggle. Recently I have felt so disgusted with myself and the things I've done when fighting against God, I've been too ashamed to come back to Him. I fought Him and everything He was trying to do to pull me above water. I just felt so numb that I got to a point where I just didn't care anymore. I've been hurt so much that I completely didn't want to feel anymore. I thought that building a wall around my heart wouldn't allow anyone or anything to break it, as it's been broken so many times before. So, I did away with my emotions. Unfortunately, it was worse not feeling anything at all. It's better to feel pain instead of being lost in the darkness and listening to Satan's lies. The devil feeds on the ones who don't care. It makes it easier for him to lead
them away from the Truth. He was loving it that I was so depressed and numb. He convinced me to
hide the way I felt because being vulnerable was just another opportunity to be hurt. Finally, it caught up with me. My choices and mistakes became public and my struggle was exposed. Once my choices got me into trouble, I came to terms with reality: I needed Jesus. Ephesians 5 talks about being so consumed with idols, or any type of distraction, that we disregard our relationship with God and that our sin will eventually be visible by the light. I had so many idols and distractions ranging from trying to win the love of a boy to believing Satan's lies. Coming back to Jesus to repent and turn away from the path I was going down made me so ashamed and embarrassed. How could He still love me with what I have turned into? I'm so lost and broken, how could He fix me? Why is it so hard?

The thing is, it's okay to struggle. That's way Jesus died on the cross for us. He died so we could live in freedom and perfect unity with Him. We deserved death but because of His love, He died for us. We live in a world with such sin and madness, but He wouldn't have died such a horrible death if He planned on just leaving us here. He allows us to struggle and allows heartache to pull us closer to Him and bring beauty to His love and what He did for us. When we struggle, we must cling to Him.
He breaks us to heal us, cuts us to touch us, and died to revive us. It is when we are at our lowest that God is glorified. This brings me back to "live loved." Instead of living with shame, we must live with love because the price has already been paid. We are free to struggle because His love catches us. We aren't struggling to be free from sin but instead, free to struggle because it brings us back to His love. So instead of living with shame, live with love. It's okay to struggle because we are connected forever with the ultimate Love: the One who died on the cross for us. 

-Bellamy